When I feel down and want company (like misery does), I check online breakup forums. The other day, I ran across this:
“Has anyone else felt that a break up they were dealing with was more like mourning a fantasy? I feel like what I want ‘back’ was never real to begin with, so even if I got back together with my ex…it wouldn’t fix anything. It’s sort of like I feel like I’m trapped, since there’s no positive outcome.”
Yeah, I feel ya.
It’s all about retrospection.
I feel like I constantly asked him “what’s wrong?” and he would get frustrated and say “NOTHING!” but, come on. We all have an innate ability to read someone’s emotions. I knew when something was wrong and he just wasn’t telling me. If he’d told me, could I have fixed it? Was he trying to spare my feelings? I’ll never know. But do I want a relationship where I feel like my significant other is hiding something from me? Hell no.
I have a journal I kept in May of last year. May 10 2016 starts, “[He] gets mad at me every day. It’s always for something little or stupid.” I go on to recount a story where he got upset with me because I said I didn’t think the towels we had looked stupid in our shelf space, and he said they did, so I said okay, that’s fine, we can get new towels… and then he got mad again. I couldn’t disagree, I couldn’t agree, I couldn’t ask him what he wanted to do with the space without him blowing up like I’d asked him to shoot his own dog. Later in the journal I say, “I’m googling things like ‘my boyfriend has anger issues’ and ‘why does my boyfriend get mad at me every day?’ …It’s like I fail every day in a new way.” I have to remember these things when I wax poetic about the relationship in my head. It wasn’t all flowers and candles. A lot of it was this.
Another journal entry from June 1, 2016 talks about how he was home for two minutes from running errands and was pissed off that I was still watching the show that I had been watching while he’d been gone all morning. I asked him if he wanted to change the channel, handed him the remote, and then he said that he was going to go eat upstairs and watch TV because I had a “monopoly on the TV.” What?! I was watching a show WHILE HE WAS GONE and then I’m getting bitched at for watching a show? Still confused about that one.
A journal entry from August 18, 2016: “We never kiss. We never show affection. It makes me think he’s not in love with me anymore and when I try to get reassurance, he just gets frustrated and says it’s ‘getting old’ when I ask.”
Man, that is tragic.
So, in retrospect–am I mourning a relationship that I made up in my head? Why did I think that I would never be in a better relationship?
Don’t get me wrong. The dude is a nice guy. He took care of me a lot. He supported me and cheered me on through school and did my laundry and cooked for me and gave me massages when my back was hurting and… okay, stop listing the shit he did right because you’re waxing poetic again!
The point is, I don’t even know if I actually want to get back together with him. I don’t want to feel like he’s not listening to me or that he’s not sharing stuff with me or that I’m annoying him when I ask him what’s wrong. I don’t want to be with someone who decided not once but twice that he doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t want to be with someone who told me he was in love with someone else and who I’ve also found out recently likes someone else as well… and was into this chick when he and I were still “hanging out.” Not that he didn’t have every right to do that, but it feels bad. It hurts. And I don’t want to hurt anymore.