I really do feel like I’m back in the midst of the Actual Breakup. I spent a good 6 hours yesterday just watching TV and crying intermittently. I don’t know why this is affecting me so much more now than it did a week or so ago when I told him I didn’t want to hang out anymore. I guess maybe because he literally said the words, “I don’t think I’m your happily ever after” and that we could date and make that work but marriage and a family wouldn’t work for us (I declined to ask why).
I think the movie Elizabethtown doesn’t get enough credit. They successfully pinpointed the harrowing theory that “I’ve been a substitute person all my life.” Meaning, I’m not a Karly, or a Jessica, or a Lorraine, or a Lee Anna, or a Candace. I’m not the person any of my exes wanted me to be. I was the replacement, the substitute, the person who was almost good enough but maybe not as blonde or as skinny or as cute or I didn’t “get” them the way these girls did. I know everyone has a past, but does everyone have someone they just can’t get over?
And is my ex that for me?
Will I constantly compare any future boyfriends to my ex? Will I make them pay for his mistakes?
I really hope not, because having been a substitute person as long as I can remember, I don’t want to do that to anyone else. Everyone is worthy of love on their own. No one should be compared to other people. No one should have to worry about living up to another person, especially if that person clearly didn’t want to be with you (as evidenced by the fact that they are not with you). They already surpass that other person by the sheer fact that they are trying to be with you and the other person clearly is not or did not or left you or cheated or whatever they did that makes you not with them anymore.
Don’t make anyone your substitute for someone else. No one deserves that. Spend time getting over that person before you’re with someone else.
That’s what I’m doing.